Dateline: 02/18/98

 As the saying goes, you are not the cause of someone else's drinking
 problem, you cannot cure it and you can't control it.

 But there are ways that you may be contributing to the problem.

 Before placing the blame for all the problems in your family or your
 relationship on his (or her) drinking, it might be wise to examine how the
 other person's drinking may have effected you, and how you have reacted to it. For example, does the following statement sound familiar?

      I don't have a problem with my drinking! The only
      problem is your attitude. If you would quit complaining
      about it, there wouldn't be a problem! 

 Well, obviously that statement is not completely accurate; after all denial   of the problem is one of the more frustrating parts of the problem. On the other hand the statement may not be completely false either.

 How do you react to the alcoholic's drinking? Could your reaction be a
 part of the overall problem? Have you fallen into "role playing" in the
 family? Is there anything that you can do to improve the situation?

 The following describes an incident that could be an example of alcoholic
 behavoir, and some examples of reactions to the incident. Does any of
 these sound familiar?

      The alcoholic comes home late and he is drunk, too
      drunk in fact to get the key into the front door lock. After
      several futile attempts, he decides that it is a lost cause.
      Since he does not want anyone in the house to know that
      he is too drunk to unlock his own door, he makes a
      brilliant decision that solves his problem. He goes to
      sleep in the front yard! 

 How would you react?

 The Rescuer

 The "rescuer" doesn't let the incident
 become a "problem." Since she has been
 waiting up for him anyway, she goes out
 in the yard, gets the alcoholic up, cleans
 him up, and puts him into bed. That way
 the neighbors never see him passed out
 in the flower bed!

 She never mentions the incident to him or anybody else. If anyone else
 mentions it, she denies there is a problem. She lies for him, covers up for
 his mistakes, and protects him from the world.

 As the problems increase and his drinking gets worse, she takes on
 responsibilites that were once his. She may get a job or work extra hours
 to pay the bills. And if he gets in trouble with the law, she will move   heaven and earth to come up with his bail.

 The Provoker

 The "provoker" reacts by punishing the
 drunk for his actions. She either waits for
 him to wake up the next morning and
 gives it to him with both barrels, or she
 goes out and turns the water sprinklers
 on!

 She scolds, ridicules, and belittles. She nags. She screams insults at him
 loud enough for everyone to hear. She gets on the telephone and tells all
 her friends he's a loser. She is angry and she makes sure that the alcoholic and everybody else knows it. Or she gives him the cold shoulder and doesn't speak to him. She threatens to leave.

 She doesn't let it go, either. The anger and resentment continue to build    as these incidents become more frequent. She never lets him forget his
 transgressions. She holds it against him and uses it as a weapon in future
 arguments -- even months or years later. 

 The Martyr

 The "martyr" is ashamed of the
 alcoholic's behavoir and she lets him
 know it by her actions or words. She
 cries and tells him, "You've embarrassed
 us again in front of the whole
 neighborhood!"

 She sulks, pouts, and isolates. She gets on the telephone with her friends
 and tearfully describes the misery that he has caused her this time! Or she
 is so ashamed of it she avoids her friends and any mention of the incident.

 Slowly she becomes more withdrawn and depressed. She may not say
 much about it to the alcoholic, but she lets him know with her actions that
 she is ashamed of him. Quietly she tries to make him feel quilty for his
 behavoir.

 Which is the Enabler?

 The above examples may be somewhat of an exaggeration, but then again they may be very typical of what goes on in an alcoholic home. The "roles" the nonalcoholic spouse plays in the family may not be as well defined, as they are outlined here. Depending upon the circumstances, the spouse may fall into one of these roles, or may switch back and forth between them all.

 So which of the spouses described above is an enabler? Which one is
 actually helping the alcoholic progress in his disease? Which one,      although they are trying to make things better, are actually contributing to the problem?

 All of them.