Boundaries of Well-Being
by William F. Ritchie, M.S.
 

Boundaries are barriers that protect the individual, families, and other people the individual may know (Corey, 1996, p. 393). There are two types of boundaries: rigid and diffuse. If you have rigid boundaries, then barriers may exist that keep you from having meaningful relationships and understanding with others. People who have rigid boundaries can become isolated or withdrawn from people, which can cause relationships to suffer.

A diffuse boundary is the opposite of a rigid boundary; people with diffuse boundaries do not have clear, definable boundaries with others, and such individuals can have problems defining who they are. In situations where diffuse boundaries exist within a family, it is common to find family over-involvement in the individual's life. This degree of understanding, or accommodation, between family members can be characterized by a loss of independence by one or all involved family members, and this over-involvement is usually reflected by parents and children who become increasingly dependent on each other at the expense of relationships outside the family.

Perhaps an extreme example of a boundary problem is an extension of the overprotective family example whereby empathy, or understanding, for each person within the family is so great as to allow for an individual to "feel" what the other or others within the family are experiencing. These behaviors occur when individual boundaries break down, and the result can be an almost extra-sensory awareness between family members.

This empathy is unhealthy, for it does not allow development without dependence. This causes the family to be such that it excludes others outsiders from having meaningful relationships with individuals within the family. In a way, the diffuse or "soft" boundaries within the family cause the family unit's boundaries to become more rigid to outside-the-family relationships. This serves to increase the family's dependence on each other and allows the destructive behavior to continue.

As with most things, there exists a happy medium. This happy medium is defined by having stable, healthy boundaries that allow for personal and meaningful relationships with others. A person with healthy boundaries is able to have a solid sense of self and feelings of belongingness to one's family as well as to others outside the family.

References:
 

Corey, G. (1996). Theory and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy (5th ed.). Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole.
5/29/98

 

 

 

Regarding Boundary Setting, 2 Decisions and 4 Steps

by David Burnet, The Learning Coach,

 

Decisions about boundary setting:

1. Decide what you want and don't want from/with people. A good idea is to do this both in general, and with any person or situation that reveals that more boundaries are needed (you know you need boundaries when you are frustrated, angry, or hurt).

2. Decide to be extremely sensitive about boundaries (enlarge your boundaries), and to be constructive about enforcing them.

Steps to enforce boundaries:

1. Educate or inform people what they are doing. Just inform them in a matter of fact way.

2. If it continues, tell them what you want and don't want, and how you feel about that.

3. If it continues, warn them how you will separate yourself from them &/or their negative behavior, either temporarily (while it continues), or if necessary, permanently.

4. If it continues, distance yourself as you said you would, preferably short term, long term when necessary.

Warnings:

1. Memorize this list, it may be all you can remember, the first few times when you are under pressure and need to enforce boundaries. Soon, because it works so well, you'll probably learn to do this fairly automatically and well.

2. The first few times you do this, it will be hard for people who already know you, because they aren't used to this. They may over-react. They may also over-react because the first few times you do this you won't be as skillful as after you've practiced this. Happened to me, and I've noticed to other people.

It can be helpful to notify people about what you are learning and doing, ahead of time, and to let them know that you won't be as skillful, at first; you may be heavy handed...but to please be patient and bear with you. It will help you and them, too, to get along better.

 

Boundaries

For me, healthy boundaries are limits I set on my own behavior, rather than rules and restrictions I place on the behavior of others. I only have power to set my own boundaries, not to set somebody else's boundaries or boundaries for someone else.

For me, unhealthy boundaries are overt or covert attempts to control another person's behavior according to what I want and desire, rather than as a path to my ownself-growth and serenity.

As a recovering co-dependent, I have the right to define my personal boundaries. I set my own boundaries in order to enhance my relationships, to promote my own serenity, and to ensure that my process of self-growth continues. My right to set healthy boundaries carries with it the responsibility for me to clearly communicate my boundaries to those persons closest to me who may be affected by my boundaries. I never use my boundaries as bludgeons for punishing another person or as a tool to control others.

Also, I don't assume or expect others to intuitively know and respect my boundaries. That is a fantasy. In regard to boundary setting, my boundary is "no surprises." If you are in a relationship with me, you are entitled to know my boundaries and the price for violating them before you violate them. Also, you are entitled to discuss the boundary openly and honestly with me. If warranted, I'll negotiate and adjust the boundary to help minimize any resulting conflict.

For me, there is a distinct difference between "boundary setting" and the process of disciplining my children. Child rearing, training, and discipline is my responsibility to my children. One of the many areas where I am striving to teach my children is how to set boundaries for themselves. For example, "don't start smoking just because someone you look up to is smoking or so that someone else will accept you." I'm trying to get my children to set a "no smoking" boundary for themselves, based on my educating them and giving them knowledge that smoking is harmful to their health. That way, it's not just a "rule" of mine they must obey (and probably violate behind my back). It becomes their decision. It becomes a boundary they own.

If someone is violating my boundaries, and it is truly harming me or hurting me, I am responsible for doing something about the situation. I can express my boundary, but if they don't respect it, I can't make them respect it or own it, even if I take them to court. All I can do is protect myself from that person.

Here then, are the guidelines for boundary setting that are currently working for me:

     

  1. I will keep my boundaries as simple and as few as possible.

     

  2. I reserve the right to change my boundaries as I grow and change.

     

  3. I will communicate my boundaries lovingly and clearly, before they are violated, when possible.

     

  4. I will not become a boundary ogre. I will be mindful that my perspective of reality is unique, and will not use boundaries as a means of forcing my perspective upon others.

     

  5. I will endeavor to treat all people as my guests, especially those closest to me.

     

  6. I will be kind, yet firm with those people who choose to violate my boundaries. If they continue to do so, I will take the steps necessary to protect myself, with care and mindfulness, seeking the path of minimum psychological harm to myself, the other person, and any one else who may be affected.

     

  7. I will not use boundaries to intentionally create conflict in any relationship.

     

  8. I will re-examine and question my boundaries if unhealthy results occur because of the boundary (for example, a situation gets worse because of the boundary, rather than better).

     

  9. I will respect the boundaries that other people set and communicate to me.

     

  10. I will honor and accept that all people need room and space to grow; I will not expect the world to conform 100% to my expectations.

Questions I ask myself about my boundaries:

Is this a healthy boundary? Am I setting this boundary for myself? to enhance my serenity?

 

  • Am I setting this boundary as an attempt to control someone else's behavior?

     

  • Am I setting this boundary merely to antagonize someone else?

     

  • Will this boundary honestly help me be a better person?

     

  • Is this boundary still necessary? Do I need to let go of it?

     

    © 1997 by Phillip C. Wilkerson.

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